[ with or without me ]

It’s been almost six months since that day I read the words I didn’t want to read and fell on the floor, subsequently falling into the deepest valley of grief I’ve ever walked through.  Losing Anahi & Yessenia from my life has hurt like hell.  There’s not a gentler way to say something that’s been so brutal.  Today I was talking to God, and I heard these words from myself, leaving my mouth & reaching to the heavens, breaking through my bitterness.

“Thank you for giving Anahi & Yessenia a family.”

I said those words through tears, and the tears came again when I typed them out.  But I said them, & I meant them.

Then I was flipping through my prayer journal, and I found something I wrote on February 3rd, just a few days before social services took the girls from the orphanage, but this time I could read it without wanting to throw my journal across the room.  The first time I re-read what I had written, months ago, I started crying & begging God to bring the girls back.. saying, “I take it back, I take it back, I don’t want you to raise them without me, I take it back.”  But today I read these words again and I don’t take it back, I still mean them.  So I’m going to share.

 

February 3rd 2014

You are the God  w h o   s e e s   m e .
You are for me.
You know the desires of my heart.
You will never leave me or forsake me.
You are holding my hand, & You will  n e v e r   l e t   g o .
You are good.
You are faithful.
& You LOVE me.
You even like me.
You are working all things together for my good, & for the good of my girls.
You who have begun a good work in me will be faithful to complete it.
You take  d e l i g h t   in me.
You made me, exactly who I am & as I am, fearfully & wonderfully, & I am enough.
You meet me where I am.
You can handle me.  I am not too much for You, even when I scream & swear at You.
You are holy.  And I can’t even begin to fathom what that truly means.  Holy Holy Holy God.
You are worthy.  Worthy of my gratitude.
You are enamorado conmigo.
You are mine & I am Yours, Beloved.
You are my first Love.
You call me Amada. ❤️
You have given me a  n e w   h e a r t , with new & right desires, & You have put a new Spirit in me.
You will do something beautiful with my life.
You ARE doing something beautiful with my life.
You are my Abba.
You have made me a Mother.
You love my daughters even more than I do.
You know what is best for them.
You have plans to give them a future & a hope. [ with OR without me ]
You will be with them  a l w a y s .
You knew them first, loved them first, parented them first.  You are their Papi.
You will heal their broken hearts.
You will show them they are Beloved, unique, precious,  b e a u t i f u l , resilient, strong, & Yours.
You will do  m i r a c l e s  in their lives.
You will bring them Mothers & Fathers to reflect to them your MotherFather heart.
You will comfort them when they cry.
You will pray over their sleeping selves.
You will  r e j o i c e  over them with singing.
You will teach them who You are & who they are in You.
You will never leave them or forsake them.
You will hide them in the shelter of Your wings.  Safe.  Comforted.  Held.
You will be there,  a l w a y s , to turn to.
You can be trusted with their precious lives.
You are to be trusted with their beautiful lives.
You will celebrate their birthdays.
You will teach them proper table manners.
You will set the lonely in  f a m i l i e s .
You are the God who SEES them.
You will lead them to Your heart.
You will paint their fingernails.
You will make them smile and appreciate their laughter & joy.
You will sing to them good morning.
You will pray with them before bed.
You will buy Yessenia braces.
You will send Anahi to college.
You will hug Mina todo el tiempo.
You will soften Chela’s heart.
You will listen to Angela sing.

And all of this, Jesus… all of this Spirit, all of this Father…
You will do
with or without me.

You are their first FatherMother, and You will not forget Your daughters.

So God.  I give them back to you.  I place my girls back into Your hands, again.

I trust You God.
I trust You to care for these  b e a u t i f u l   g i r l s .
Jesus I give You Mina.
Jesus I give You Angela.
Jesus I give You Rosa Isela.
Jesus I give You Anahi.
Jesus I give You Yessenia.

They are Yours.  They have always been Yours, & they will always be Yours.

And they will grow up to be beautiful, strong, capable, authentic, smart & lovely women, as You intend for them to be.

With or without me.

 

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