s h e e r b e a u t y

April 20th 2014

God is good.

Amen??

Yes. Amen.

Maybe, based on that intro, it seems like the rest of this post should be a “praise report”… which is what we say in Christian Speak when we want to share a happy-ending story.

But actually, I don’t have a praise report.

What I do have is an eight year old boy sulking in his room, still angry at me for giving him a spanking even though he was the one hitting and punching and biting me. (And telling me that his life would be better if I had never come here) That’s what I’ve got.

But you know what?

God is good.

This same boy of mine treats me all nasty like that most of the time. Most days I dread seeing him, because I never know what kind of mood or behavior to expect from him. That’s the kind of Momma I am to him.. one that would rather stay hidden under the covers in the morning not because I’m still sleepy but because I just don’t want to deal with him.

Wow. That’s what she’s doing down there?? Avoiding her child??   Right? It’s okay to think these thoughts about me, I think them too.. why God wants me here still is a mystery to me as well.

But.

God is good.

I think my child’s behavior would be drastically different if his first few years of life had been less chaotic. When he was a baby his Dad walked out on his Momma, his toddler sister, and his tiny brother. His Momma couldn’t handle all of that very well, and I don’t blame her, I really don’t. She was devastated, heartbroken, don’t we all know what that feels like? So she let her babies run wild in the streets while she filled her life with distractions like boys & booze. So my little boy J, he grew up learning from the boys on the streets… he learned to act tough, he learned to reject others before he could be rejected, he learned that in order to survive he needed to be nasty mean. He learned that when he was hungry he needed to go into bakeries and demand to be given bread if he wanted anything to eat.

It’s awful, what he lived through, what he survived.

But I am still so certain that God is good.

The other night a picture of Anahi came up on my facebook newsfeed, someone had posted an old picture and when I saw her there my whole body went cold and I started sobbing. It was late and Meesha was asleep but she woke up to be present with me there in my grief. Still. I’m still grieving.

And God is so so so so good.

My Gramma doesn’t know who I am anymore. She is so important to me, so important, but I will never again hear her call me Monkeyshine or even Brittany Ann. I’m just not part of her memory any longer.

But oh my God is so good.

My Daddy was really sick last year, and all I wanted was to go home and be there with him. I knew I couldn’t make him better but I knew my presence would be helpful & comforting. But God said, “Stay.” so I stayed here with this child who acts like he hates me and I don’t understand God, not one tiny bit.

But I know that He is good.

After moving here I got to know one neighbor, a sweet man in his sixties, who would stop for us & the children to drive us to preschool so we wouldn’t have to walk a mile uphill with three tinies. He would always chat with me in English whenever we crossed paths and one day in September he even showed Meesha & me his house. A few days after that he fell off of a ladder and died. And within months of that death I kept hearing of others, and my heart would break over and over for the loved ones left behind.

But still I know She is good.

I’ve felt so frustrated lately at the use of the phrase, “God is good!” by us Christians. Not because it isn’t true… but because it’s always true, yet it’s something we only exclaim when something stellar happens to us. New job: God is good! Cancer free: God is good! Healthy baby: God is good!

Yes. God is good.

But God is good all the time.

God remains good even in unemployment and cancer and miscarriages.

God is good here with me in my grief, even though honestly? Knowing She’s here doesn’t comfort me much. It still hurts like crazy even though He’s right beside me. And that’s okay. I don’t need God to take away this pain or speed me through this mourning, God isn’t here for us to make life easier.

God is here for us because She loves us.

And His goodness is not dependent on how stellar things are going for us.

God is good all the time.

All the freakin’ time.

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