I’ve thought for awhile now that being able to love freely & unconditionally is the biggest piece of God’s beautiful heart that He placed into mine. It just comes so easily to me: to accept and cherish and delight in others. It’s why I’ve wanted for so long to be a foster mom.. I can love with my whole heart, let go, and keep loving.. over and over and over again.
Well, until now.
The past six months my heart has been extra and especially ache-y and full of longing for those little girls I left in Mexico. I cry when I see pictures of them, growing and growing but yet I’m not there to find them bigger clothes & shoes.. I cry when I skype with them but they barely say anything because they’re not exactly computer savvy. I cry when I see their pictures on my wall and I just miss being their Mami.
I’m pretty sure it’s unhealthy and maybe even irresponsible of me to miss them so much, being that I am so far away and right outside my bedroom door is a house-full of children whom God has sent me to. I love these children too, but I realized recently that I was holding back a little bit.. holding back from loving them freely & unconditionally, like I used to think I was such an expert at.
I bought Yessenia a birthday present last week, it’s a Monsters Inc. nightgown that has a picture of Mike Wazowski on it which I know will make her laugh and laugh and laugh. I was getting ready to wrap it when I felt God saying “Wait.. we need to talk about this.” And I knew exactly what He meant. So I knelt down and cried and even though I’ve told Him over and over and over again over the past six months how much I miss them, I told Him all over again, and then I finally asked the question that I’ve known this entire time I’ve needed to ask Him: “Do I need to let go of them?”
But I hadn’t asked until now, because I was afraid of His answer. And I knew that if He told me to let go of them.. it would crush my heart into even more pieces than it’s already been broken over these little girls. Because even though I’m not with them.. I can hold them in my heart: I can pray for them and call them on their birthdays and send them presents once in awhile. And it’s better than nothing. But I reached a point where I knew I needed to ask that hard question, because I could finally see that it was this love in my heart for those girls that wasn’t allowing me to love these kids in Kiwi with complete and absolute abandon.
So I was there crying on the floor, and I finally told my Father I was ready for Him to be honest with me… “Do I need to let go of them?”
but His answer surprised me.
“No… You just need to open your heart up wider.”
In all honesty, I don’t know how to do that. Love has always come easily to me.. but I think leaving them hurt me so much that I’m afraid to do it all over again. I don’t think I’ll be in Kiwi forever, but these children are worthy of being loved with every ounce of Love that God pours into me while I’m here.. no matter how much it hurts when God says it’s time to say goodbye.
Writing this makes me feel even more ungrateful & selfish than I already feel for struggling with this, but I believe in being vulnerable. I’m finally being honest about what’s going on in my heart because I know I need some praying for. It’s my choice, ultimately.. to somehow open up this heart of mine even bigger than I think is possible, and to choose daily to be joyful in this house God has brought me to. But I need prayer, I can feel myself so desperate for that support.
If I’m honest.. lately I’ve often found myself frustrated with God, it’s so petty and when the kids throw tantrums about not getting what they want I just see myself doing the exact same thing with God. I’m frustrated that God asked me to come here, when ever since I was a little girl it was Mexico that I spoke incessantly of my dreams for. I don’t understand why He allowed me to have such passion and love for those girls just to lead me far far away from them. But..
it’s not about me.
I know this, I know it I know it I know it. It’s about God, and the dreams He has for His world, for His Mexico, for His daughters. And maybe I have no further part in those dreams of His for those little girls. But oh, that is so not what I want.
I walked outside the other night, thinking about all of this and trying not to be upset with the One who loves me most, when I looked up at the sky.. and it was beautiful. Midnight blue and sparkling with thousands of little lights. I saw those stars and I was reminded of how vast and enormous this universe is, and even how much GREATER is our God.. and I remembered that verse:
“For My thoughts are not your thoughts,neither are your ways my ways,” declares the Lord. “As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts.” Isaiah 55:8-9
I don’t understand, but I don’t need to. I can trust Him.