when you just don’t know.

I know that God is good, I know that God is Love.  He has taken these children that I am surrounded by out of really horrible situations and given them an opportunity to learn about Him, to learn about Love.  To be healed of their pasts and grow strong towards the future.

But I also know that there are a lot of things that happen in life that God has not mandated, that God does not want to happen.  Sometimes He intervenes, and sometimes He doesn’t.  I don’t always understand, but I do not doubt His justice.

One of my little girls just left.  I didn’t want her to see me cry but when her mom started promising me that she was going to take good care of her I couldn’t stop the tears that fell.  Because I don’t know if that’s true.  I don’t know if she’ll be safe.  She wasn’t before.  I don’t know if this is what God wanted.

I’m writing to process what I’m feeling.  I’m so scared.  That’s what I feel.  I feel scared, I feel grief.  I already miss her which is crazy because my life is going to be so much easier without her here trying to manipulate me every day.  Now I’m laughing, this is good.  Ohhh I can’t believe I only have three.  I had nine when I got here.  Is this what it feels like when your kids go away to college?

Rosa Isela told me some ugly things about her life in her house and the family that she just left with, things that may have been true or may have been lies (I wasn’t kidding about the manipulative thing!) and I know the only thing I can do now is pray, and pray, and pray, and if you want to join that would be so good.

Last August, I was visiting and she was still “the new girl.”


One thought on “when you just don’t know.

  1. Pingback: Elephant Woman | so this is Love...

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