As much as I enjoyed referring to myself as “Octomom” and “YO mas OCHO” (Me plus eight) the name doesn’t really fit anymore! Within the past two weeks three of my girls left my care and a new one wormed her way in. Angela was more than ready to move downstairs with the señoritas, Emily was more than ready to go home and live with her padres, and my sweet beautiful Anahi now lives downstairs as well. Fatima is the newest addition, a doll-faced, squishy little thing who just turned four. This extremely changes our room dynamics as the girls who left are ages nine, eight, and seven. Fortunately.. Mina, Yessenia, Maria, Jesica Rubi, and Rosa Isela are enjoying being big sisters. Minus that day they tied Fatima up in her cubby. (Just Kidding!)
When I arrived here I had eight little girls, and then Jesica Rubi showed up in our room one night and we became ten. But a few days later Lizbeth moved downstairs and again there were eight. Until a few weeks after that when Lupita left to live with her family and I cried like a baby as soon as she was gone because I missed her so much. Maria arrived two days later, filling Lupita’s empty cubby, as well as my desire to again be Octomom. Not long after, one morning while the girls were in school and I was being a hermit in my still, calm, peaceful, niña-free room, two girls whom I adored but did not directly care for went home to live with their Mama without saying goodbye! I still miss them, and I still miss Lupita. Their departures carried more beauty than sorrow because they were able to go home to their families, but for me the feeling was still bittersweet: sweet for their sake and bitter for my own selfish desire to continue sharing space with them.
Even as I watched Lupita pack her clothes and then cried after she left I knew I was being ridiculous for feeling sad for myself, and what flooded my memory were all the people who shot me down when I expressed my hope to one day be a foster mom, saying, “That’s would be way too hard for you, to give them up.” And it is really hard. It was hard when Anahi moved into her new room and told me she didn’t want to leave me. I cried like a baby that day too. But it’s beautiful what I’m learning: not only to open my arms in welcome to the new ones that come to me, but to let go of those who have served their time here. Neither of those things are easy! Opening my arms in welcome is hard when I’m handed a girl who drives me insane, and letting go is hard after I’ve allowed love to grow between us. But.. I would just like to say, “Yes, I can do it. It’s hard, but it’s not too hard.” So take that.
My six little ones are currently sleeping sweetly around me and I am secretly rather happy that our number has decreased. Oh how I miss Anahi but eight is too many for one person. I don’t understand how those Duggars do it. I now have much more time to devote to each individual, and I know that these girls who remain are better off because of it. I also haven’t felt overwhelmed for a while. Praise the LORD. But, we still need your prayers. I need so much energy, and creativity, and patience, and joy. And my girls need healing, and peace, and open, malleable hearts and minds.
Mina, Rosa Isela, Yessenia, Maria, [Sara], Fatima, [Anahi & Katia], & Jesica Rubi
Love love love,