May 25th 2011
The clock reads 2:19 in the wee hours of the morning. For a brief moment I found myself confused about why my body feels so awake, but then I remembered that I did this to myself when I decided that it would be a good idea to drink triple the amount of coffee that my girls drank with supper. My reasoning, I am certain, had very much to do with the fact that the last time coffee was served with dinner I forgot about the awake factor until two hours later when despite my best efforts to convince the girls to sleep, they were literally bouncing off the walls. Tonight I out-energized them, for a change. = )
Cartwheels which result in handstands against the bedroom walls are the new favorite past-time of my eight little Monkeyshines (as my Gramma would say) and I have to admit I am rather jealous of their zeal and flexibility. Sometimes I hear myself saying things like “I remember when I was a little girl and used to braid my hair like this…” and all of the sudden all I can do is marvel at the fact that I am an adult, and feel nostalgic for the summers I used to pass completely outdoors, being a little girl with an imagination that turned trees into safe-houses and myself into a runaway slave girl. I so wish for the freedom of being a little girl again, and sometimes I wonder if that’s exactly how I will be in Heaven.
I think of Heaven with frequency. I wonder what the face of God looks like when He hears the way words come out of my mouth when I am frustrated, I wonder how Jesus would teach my girls to obey me, I wonder if the Holy Spirit is answering my prayers for guidance or if this is me: flying solo. Sometimes that’s completely how I feel, if I’m honest. But I know that Jesus is with me. But I long for so much more of Him. I long to lay prostrate before Him in the throne room and cry out “Holy, Holy, Holy” with the others, blinded by the brilliance of His Light. I long for that intimacy with the One I’ve given my whole heart and soul and life to, and I often wonder when the day will come when I enter His courts.
The end times are spoken of frequently in many of the Christian circles in which I wander, and it has been this way my entire life. As a little girl I used to beg and plead with Jesus not to come back until I was a Mom. I’ve always known that was a trifle prayer, because better is one day in His courts than a thousand elsewhere… but I’ve never felt contentment with the thought of never satiating this blazing desire in my heart to be a Mother. And I think that is who He made me to be, because look at me: here I am living my dream job as a Mami to 8+ little girls. It feels perfectly and Divinely appointed.
Not so many days ago it occurred to me that if these are indeed the end of times as we know them to be, my being here at this orphanage could very well be His way of answering my selfish cry for children. I gasped aloud at that realization, and I began to really ponder the possibility of these truly being my last years. I usually don’t think about that because I adore this life too much to want to let it go, even for a life that will be so much better. But I started to think about this the other day, and you know what I discovered?
It’s okay with me if this is it. It’s okay with me if I disappear in my sleep, raptured away, or whatever it is that is going to happen. Haha.
I think this is because of two reasons, the first: as my sister once told me, “You know how to live.” I’ve lived. I’ve chased my dreams. But more important is the second reason: I’ve fallen in love with the LORD. With His Word, with Him in the flesh: Jesus, with His Spirit whose temple is my body. One day I was kneeling before Him, singing to Him “You are so Holy, Holy, Holy..” and what He said to me in reply shook me: “You are so holy.” I wept, crying out “You did not just say that to me, You did not just say that to me, You did not just say that to me..” But He did. I have become a woman after God’s own heart. I am my Beloved’s and He is mine.
And whenever that day comes when I enter His throne room, whether I am a Mama to my own babies or not… I’m ready.